When I started to turn my attention inward and began to study my thoughts, patterns and belief systems I realised that I am afraid of my own light and power. And I discovered the uncountable tools and mechanisms that I have – unconsciously – established in order to make sure that I keep myself small. Marianne Williamson puts in her poem “our deepest fear” so beautifully into words what I discovered.
How my depressive episodes influence my relationship
Yesterday I had to realise how deeply my depressive episodes influence my relationship. My boyfriend told me how it feels to be around me when I am in a depressive episode and it broke my heart. He sees me disappearing into the dark cloud and what stays behind is a version of me where no life force resides. This version is cold, distant, quickly angry and dominant.