How my depressive episodes influence my relationship
Yesterday I had to realise how deeply my depressive episodes influence my relationship. My boyfriend told me how it feels to be around me when I am in a depressive episode and it broke my heart. He sees me disappearing into the dark cloud and what stays behind is a version of me where no life force resides. This version is cold, distant, quickly angry and dominant.
It is hard to find the way out
When I am in the dark cloud I can hardly find the way out. I observe how I behave but I cannot stop it. The only thing I can do is to keep my vibration as high as possible so that I do not get sucked deeper into the cloud.
What calms me down is the knowing that it will pass. I never know how long it lasts but I know the moment will come when the life force comes back. When I come back. When I start to feel again and the world becomes colourful again.
Fighting against the dark cloud
My boyfriend feels as if we are fighting against something invisible. Something that is difficult to perceive and even more difficult to understand. Sometimes he is tired of the situation and feels helpless. He starts to make himself small so that he does not trigger the cold, distant, quickly angry and dominant version of me.
For more than ten years I have tried to leave the dark cloud behind but when I listened to my boyfriend yesterday I realised that this dark cloud is still powerful and that it has the potential not only to destroy my life but also to make the life of my loved ones difficult.
Standing at a crossing
My first impulse was to leave him in order to protect him. Deep within me I knew that I was standing at a crossing. I can leave him, which could be equated to claiming that I am unbearable for other people and do not deserve to be in a loving relationship. Or, I decide with every fibre of my being that I am worthy to live, to breath, to laugh, to love, to touch, to feel. It did not take long to decide.
I said yes
Yes, I am worthy! I want to live. I want to be fully embodied and wake up every morning with gratitude for a new day and with curiosity for what it will bring. I want to see the miracles around me. I want to let my light shine and step into my power knowing that it is safe to do so. I decided it’s time to tell myself another story. Another story about myself. Another story about life. It is time to let go of the story with which I have identified over past years. Now is now. A fresh moment full of potential to become what my heart and soul are longing for.
But what about the black cloud? Will it just disappear? Most probably not. So what to do about it?
I am tired of fighting against it so I will accept it. I will not only accept it, I will even invite it in. Whenever it sticks around I will offer it a seat at my table.
I will take my time and listen carefully to whatever the cloud wants to tell me. I will acknowledge the pain, the fear, the hopelessness. I will embrace whatever is there. Carinlgy. Lovingly.
Once it has said enough I will give my thanks to it for sharing so openly. Then I will take it by the hand and invite it to come on a journey with me and explore something new.
Exploring something new
I will invite it to explore with me what makes me feel alive. What helps me to be fully embodied, centred and grounded. What brings me joy and makes my heart sing.
I will invite it to discover with me how I can open my arms widely and let life in with all its facets, awes and wonders. How I can breathe in deeply and say yes to life with each breath.
How I can nourish my body, mind and soul. How I can cultivate gratitude for what I have and see the beauty all around me.
I will invite it to find out how I can raise my vibration to an extent so that the dark cloud with its low vibration will be transformed into something new.